THE CRINGE MANIFESTO: REPORTING FROM MY TWENTIES

Musings from the laziest* twenty something you will ever meet.

Me and my friend Libbie getting Manicures.

I turn 30 soon (10 days to be exact) and I wanted to reflect on what I’ve learned in my 20’s. I will say this. I’m not a lawyer, I’m not a doctor, I don’t have an MBA. I’m not an academic by any means and I’ve never been published. I do have a BA in English, which means I procrastinated writing essay’s and pretended to care about Chaucer. What I do have is ADD, multiple instagram accounts (millennial much) and a podcast. Here is what I know from my own personal experience.

Your 20’s are for terrible decisions, like over doing it with drinks and drugs and knowing the repercussions, but still doing it anyways. A time in your life so full of excess, mistakes and idiotic abandonment, that you’ll probably hook up with somebody in a foreign country and not remember their name.

A decade of mediocre sex with random’s and good sex with someone you’re falling in love with.

Your*** 20s are for having an ‘ignorance is bliss’ attitude towards money and buying shoes you can’t afford, therefore maxing out your credit card. Not being ashamed or embarrassed to ask your parents for money to pay rent, because you neglected to learn how to pay off a line of credit, properly.

Those over priced, designer shoes will help get you a job where you pretend to know more than you actually do, but will eventually teach you the definition of what healthy boundaries are.

And yes this is all very grandiose and preachy and egotistical and self indulgent, in a strangely bizarre time but I so rarely make it about me.

Wisdom I can impart to my young-ins from 30 years of life:

When I was in Brooklyn, I made my friend Beth take this pic of me and a guy yelled from his car “how many likes”. Pre 👃 job, but still pretty cute, right?

Drinking & drugs

1. Stop drinking after you feel dizzy, you already know this, but you’ll wake up feeling depressed and puffy. Don’t snort snow to sober up either. It’s dirty and you have no idea what is in there. I’m not going to say what it is, but read between the lines peeps, just don’t do the lines. See? I’m kind of clever (who needs a masters degree with lines like that). Besides, that stuff is for wannabes that can’t get adderall prescriptions. I have tried ‘e’ or as the kids say ‘molly’ a handful of times and can tell you the comedown is so much worse than the high. I am someone that likes to be in control over their body, so having my heart beat faster than it’s supposed to, sweating and anxiously grinding my teeth, is not my idea of a party. I know it now sounds like I’m a drug person, or as my pharma psychologist likes to call me, ‘a druggie’, but I promise you, I am so not that person. Food is my problem, not drugs. It probably took me 3 years to learn this.

Ciggies, yo

Remember when every girl had an Audrey Hepburn fetish from grade 6-first year of college. Or was that just me?

2. Smoking cigarettes is actually trash. You’re smart enough to know this but I’m a dum dum millennial and not a cool Gen Z, like you. Also we’re in the middle of a pandemic and its’ not 1985. Even if you think sharing one with an alcoholic with blue eyes at 3 am is sexy. It’s not. Even if you think smoking one in the bathtub, while reading Nabakov and drinking red wine at 4 am is the most sexy and intellectual version of yourself, like a French film star in the 60s, who is now informed and radicalized. You’re playing a character and you know it. It’s not sexy, it’s actually gross and harmful. The only time smoking is fun is when you’re tipsy with your friends or when you’re venting to your best friend. You feel like you’re being bad in a fun way. I know I’m contradicting myself but it’s all kind of grey anyways. Just don’t make it a habit unless you want bad skin.

Friendships

3. Your friendships are so much more valuable than some idiot named Luke or Matt that texted you at midnight asking “what’s up”. You don’t have time for losers that don’t know how to communicate during daylight hours.

4. Your friendships are the family you make so treasure them like little flowers in a garden, water them and give them space when they want space.

Come to Jesus moments aka mental breakdowns

All dressed up for my ABC (anything but clothes) party. I look so happy but 11 years ago I almost failed out of school, had to be put on medication and my mom flew out to see me. This was a monumental mental breakdown, as it was the first time I went on meds for my anxiety.

5. You will have at least 2 mental breakdowns. This is not a detriment to your character. On the contrary. It just means you’re smart and stronger as a result. This is you shedding who you once were and coming to the tragic realization that not all people are who you thought they were and people change and evolve and leave you behind. Maybe they are outgrowing you or you’re outgrowing them. It hurts and it’s painful. More often than not, these are with friendships as opposed to romantic partnerships but the sentiment is all the same. It’s cruel but you will eventually grow and learn from the heartbreak.

6. Figure out your boundaries -that’s it.

Also drink tons of water and wear spf 🧴everyday. I would say sleep too but this was written over the course of many sleepless nights, because I don’t really care for sleep as much as I should.

Maybe I’ll sleep in my 30s, who knows 🤷‍♀️.
Xox
Love a learned 30 year old.

*compared to my younger sister, who is far more successful than me.

**My parents still pay for my Starbucks, is that bad?

***I want to stress that this is my personal experience and I understand that not everyone is this privileged.